The Egg Mystery
by timydamonkey
Summary: Utter unapologetic crack. Harry wakes up one morning to find that he's laid an egg.


The Egg Mystery: _(by timydamonkey)

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Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter; this was made purely for fun.

Author's Note: I wrote this for lunakatrina's birthday last year. It's not new, but I've decided to migrate it to this account (it was previously posted elsewhere under friends lock). It's utterly unapologetic crack - which really isn't my area - as a tribute to her. She also gave me the prompt (which is the second line of this story) - how can that prompt not lead to a (rather shallow) crack fic? Anyway, it's just a bit of fun. Reviews appreciated.

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It was undoubtedly the weirdest day in Ron Weasley's life when he woke up to an exclamation in the bed across the dorm room:

"What? I laid an egg?"

All of his classmates woke in considerable amounts of alarm, not so much for what had been said – too early to process – but the panic in which it had been said. They were used to Harry's nightmares, but this was something else.

"Shut up and go to sleep," mumbled Dean, rolling over. He clearly wasn't a morning person.

Harry – the owner of the incredulous cry – sat up, looking indignant. "Let's see you not say anything when YOU lay an egg and I'll agree!"

Ron attributed it to the early morning that his response came out as garbled as it did. "You're not a chicken, Harry."

Harry looked confused. "What are you on about?" he asked.

"You'd be talking about a _hen_, Ronald," corrected a grouchy Hermione, walking into the room. Hermione seemed to have some secret radar of when weird things were going on around Harry, and could always be relied upon to be there.

It was also Hermione who knelt down and looked at the egg. "Fascinating. It's too big to be from fowl."

"Bigger than a dragon egg?" Ron asked sarcastically.

"Quite possibly." She hummed to herself. "It's still warm."

"I've just _laid an egg_," Harry said, as if repeating himself would make the egg disappear into a mysterious bunch of not egg yolk.

"What do you want us to do about it? Some of us are trying to sleep!" Seamus offered, before putting his fingers in his ears to try and drown out the noise.

Hermione tutted. "Fine. There's only one person who could help us figure this out."

She promptly pulled the covers off Ron, who protested loudly, and informed Harry that she would tip him off his bed if he didn't get up. ("And it'd break the egg!" she'd added threateningly.)

Ron knew it was going to be one of those days.

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Harry, Ron and Hermione sat eating rock cakes (or, rather, practising the art of pretending to eat rock cakes while trying to get it everywhere but in their mouths) while Hagrid sat looking at the egg with a magnifying glass. It was an odd sight, as the magnifying glass was customised for Hagrid's size…

"This," Hagrid said excitedly, as if he'd just received a Nobel prize, "is a HUMAN egg."

"Hagrid," Hermione said gently. "Humans don't lay eggs. Or at least not like this… you see, there are eggs that need to be fertilised, but that's not an external process-"

"Hermione!" Ron exclaimed in horror. "I'm trying to eat!"

She shot him a withering look. "I'm just explaining why Hagrid's hypothesis doesn't really hold up, Ron."

"But I _did_ lay an egg, Hermione."

"We don't know that for certain. It could be a practical joke!"

"You think somebody sits there and goes, 'You know what would be a good joke? Putting an egg in somebody's bed!'"

"And I'm sure it wouldn't have hurt as much, too," Harry huffed.

"Yeh're talking about human female reproduction, Hermione," Hagrid chastised. "But Harry's a boy, not a girl!"

"Hagrid, boys can't give birth to children. And they shouldn't be able to lay eggs, either! They lack the necessary vital organs!"

"Certain species," Hagrid said enthusiastically, taking on a tone of 'I love to talk about these stupid facts nobody else knows', "have the ability to bypass other species' reproductive systems."

"How does that even remotely make sense?" Hermione demanded.

"I don't get it," offered Ron. "That would mean Harry'd have to be doing it with another species."

Everybody looked at Harry, who looked offended. "He's not another species!"

Ron's jaw dropped at the confession that Harry had apparently been having (gay) sex, and Hermione's lips pursed. Her voice sounded ridiculously even, which in the circumstances made it sound like she needed to get drunk. "Good that it was a male, Harry. I was beginning to think you'd have slept with a seahorse given that their males are the ones who bear young."

Harry, who'd been sipping a drink of water in an attempt to calm down, choked, sputtering water all over the table. "Hermione!"

"Have yeh been in the Lake recently, Harry?" Hagrid asked evenly.

Harry stood up. "I am _not _having this conversation!"

"Refusing to talk about it simply makes you look guilty, Harry."

"I can't believe you! All of you!"

And with that, Harry stomped off.

* * *

The weirdest day in Draco Malfoy's life was the day he was awoken by a kick reverberating against a door, with a voice shouting, "WHAT SPECIES ARE YOU?"

"I beg your pardon?" asked Draco, stomping up the door because he hated to be interrupted from his beauty sleep.

"Spill it, Malfoy!"

"Potter," Draco said (quite calmly, he thought, considering the circumstances). "You sound like a bloody loony." And he slammed the door.

"April the eighth!" Potter yelled through the door, sounding even more deranged than Draco had thought possible.

"No wonder you're failing Potions if you're reading the calendar backwards," he retorted.

"Nine months ago, Draco! Nine months! When I told you I hated you."

"You did, Potter, but we tell each other that on a regular basis. What are- ah, you mean us displaying our passionate hate for each other in a physically intimate manner?"

"_Malfoy!_"

"I don't have such shame as you, Potter. Now stop whatever you're blaring about and we can have some peace and quiet."

"_I know you aren't human!"_

"What the_ hell_, Potter? Has your brain melted?"

"This morning," Harry said angrily, "I _laid an egg_."

"What are you?" Draco demanded. "A _dragon_?"

"I'm not a dragon or a chicken or a hen!" Harry exclaimed.

There was momentary silence, before Draco offered his opinion:

"You're insane, Potter."

"No! I'm told that the only way men can have a baby is mingling with certain species."

"Why don't you ask your other conquests, Potter?" Harry had gone quiet, and Draco suddenly smirked. "Oh? Don't tell me there's only me?"

"Don't you dare say anything, Malfoy."

"Or you'll shout at me through the door?"

"I'll _break down_ the door!"

"I'm sure Professor Snape would greatly appreciate your unwanted presence causing criminal damages," Draco sneered.

"Answer the question, Malfoy."

"Fine," Malfoy snorted. "If it'll mean I can get some rest. I am a veela human chimera hybrid."

"…That doesn't even make any sense!"

"Neither does men laying eggs. Get used to it, Potter."

"I'm not raising a child alone, Malfoy!"

"Well, I'm not raising a child at all. You should be careful who you sleep with. Let this be a lesson to you!"

Harry bristled. "But you never told me!"

"That'd spoil all the fun."

"Fine! I'm going. And I will call it Luna. So it can rip out your face on the day of a full moon."

"Like the precious Lupin would?" he offered snarkily. "And I can't believe you want to name our child after _Loony Lovegood_. I'm not having it. You'll want to call it Radish after those stupid earrings next!"

"…Good idea. Thanks, Malfoy!"

"I refuse!" Draco retorted indignantly, suddenly opening the door, where Harry reeled back, startled. "_I shall help out _to prevent your horrible influence infecting the Malfoy heritage."

"Who said anything about the Malfoy heritage? Maybe I want it to be a Potter-"

"Well, tough luck. You got to give birth. I get to give it back its dignity of suffering the indeceny of coming out of Potter's – where did it come out, anyway?"

"You don't want to know. You really don't."

"Ugh." He took a moment to compose himself. "In any case, I will give the egg baby back its dignity-"

"You could do that by not calling it the egg baby, Malfoy."

"-and its name shall be SQUISHY."

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Harry's weirdest day involved eggs, best friends, Malfoy, and toppling down a staircase into a conveniently placed broom cupboard with Peeves laughing fit to bust.

He didn't remember much after that, but he thinks maybe he drank - or maybe he should have.

It was, all in all, a very weird day all around.


End file.
